


X(isuma) Marks the Spot!

by Interjection



Category: Hermitcraft RPF
Genre: Bad Puns, Crack, Gen, non-permanent minecraft death, which mumbo tag is it ao3 pls make it more clear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:47:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28341123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Interjection/pseuds/Interjection
Summary: Did Grian make Xisuma the destination of a barge box quest just to capitalize on a pun?Yes, yes he did.
Relationships: Charles | Grian & Xisumavoid
Comments: 14
Kudos: 172





	X(isuma) Marks the Spot!

“Hey, _X!_ ” Grian’s voice was loud and clear, in that ‘ _l_ _isten to me, I’m so interesting, give me all your attention!_ ’ way he always carried himself.

That was the first clue Xisuma snagged on as he turned to smile at his fellow Hermit.

“Hello, Grian,” he said. “How can I help you?”

Grian’s smile widened. He pulled out a shulker box, blue and dented around the edges.

“Oh, you’ll treasure this one for sure,” he grinned, and that was the second clue.

Xisuma gave him a vague smile back as he accepted the shulker and peered inside. Chicken heads, bottles o’ enchanting, ferns, and various other items were strewn about. Nothing particularly valuable - it just seemed like a small collection of randomness. 

“What am I to do with this?” Xisuma asked, raising an eyebrow. “There’s always some catch, with you.”

Grian laughed, leaning forward to sling an arm around his shoulders. 

“They’ll be catching you, alright!” he said. “I just need you to hold onto it until someone comes to get it.”

“Will I die?” Xisuma asked.

“Eeeehh,” Grian scrunched up his face in mock contemplation. “ _P_ _robably_. Not.”

Well, nothing like a little potential murder to keep him on his wings. It wouldn’t be the most far fetched thing he’s been subjected to on a whim.

Xisuma tucked the shulker box away and adjusted his helmet. 

“Well, any other service I can provide you with, oh great and all knowing Grian?” 

“None that I can see!” Grian chirped. He glanced around for a few seconds while Xisuma tried not to laugh.

Finally, after another moment of staring, he waved a rocket. “Gotta take off now! See you!” 

“Might want to do some maintenance on the wings!” Xisuma called back, and immediately burst into wheezing giggles when Grian’s dark red shape promptly fell out of the sky.

* * *

The shulker box sat, innocent and pale, in Xisuma’s inventory for the next few days. It’s existence began to slip his mind more and more, coming back only in the times he had to sort through his messes and found himself briefly reminded.

Eventually, however, the day of reckoning came. 

It was just another trip to the shopping district, when he was in Scar’s Chestmonster to buy more storage-

“Found you!” 

Xisuma gasped as something large barreled into him. 

“Mumbo?”

“Wait - you’re not a prize.” Mumbo stepped back and blinked, mouth pulled back in a confused frown. 

“I’m plenty shiny!” Xisuma scoffed, but there was a smile to his tone.

He quickly clawed himself out of the pile of barrels that seemed as though it would fall any minute. Scar really needed to reorganize it all - that, or more Hermits needed to think outside the box. 

“What are you doing here?” Xisuma opted to ask. 

“I-”

“ _We,_ ” a new voice said, and Xisuma turned to see Iskall poke their head through the door, “are doing Grian’s barge quest.”

“Ah, that explains Mumbo’s behavior,” Xisuma said dryly, and Mumbo made a choking noise.

“Can you - give us the thing? Do you have it?”

“You don’t know?” Xisuma asked.

Iskall nudged Mumbo aside and handed him a sheaf of paper.

Xisuma looked down.

**_X_** _(isuma) marks the spot!_

“So does that mean we dig down?” Mumbo asked. 

“Well, I suppose,” Xisuma said. He wasn’t quite sure how Grian meant for him to respond - though it did mean he had the excuse to do whatever. 

Iskall raised an eyebrow. A sword appeared in their left hand, and pickaxe in their right.

“So which one is it?” they asked, grinning with what Xisuma thought was far too much anticipation. “I’m down to go straight through either place.”

“Well, you’ll technically have to dig inside me…” Xisuma shot a rocket and launched out of the shop just as Iskall’s sword jabbed forth. Scrabbling through his inventory, he pulled out a pearl and tossed.

“It’s buried pretty deep!” he called, grinning just as Iskall flew out as well. “You’ll have to go on an adventure!” 

And with that, he was gone. 

* * *

“Took you awhile,” Xisuma said when the blocks finally broke.

“When you said _adventure_ we didn’t think you would hide in the literal adverts,” Mumbo grumbled. "I spent way too long staring at Lookie Lookie At My Bookie."

“And you’ve built a room and everything,” Iskall noted. Indeed, there was a simple scaffolding table and stair shaped chair in the one block space that hollowed the billboard.

Xisuma ducked his head as Iskall’s sword swiped again. He was tempted to yell fowl play, never as eager to get stabbed as some others - but then again, the most interesting outcomes were rarely the safe ones. 

“Can’t a Hermit enjoy some peace and quiet without getting mugged?” he asked instead, stepping away from his chair. “Geez, isn’t that supposed to be a crime?” 

Mumbo suppressed a bout of laughter as Iskall raised an eyebrow.

“In that case, you coffee would like to file a lawsuit.” 

“We don’t have a judicial system,” Mumbo pointed out. 

“Throw in a Joe and I’m sure we could brew something up,” Xisuma said. 

Iskall stabbed again, and this time the sword landed its mark. Xisuma felt a brief moment of searing hot pain in his stomach before everything turned black as fresh coffee. 

* * *

“Ow! What was that for?” Grian dodged aside to avoid another slash.

“X marks the spot, remember?” Xisuma said. “Sit down, Grian. I need to finish that ‘X’ on your face.”

Grian, predictably, did not sit down. Instead, he took to the skies once again.

Xisuma chased after him. He had all day.

They rushed through the shopping district, dodging in and out and around the blurs of color that were the shops. Xisuma was once again grateful for the armor that surrounded him, shielding from the almost painful winds that would otherwise whip his skin at such high speeds - not that Grian ever seemed to mind them. 

In fact, Grian was always too fast to catch, too agile, always just out of sight. After a few minutes, Xisuma stopped at a stray crafting table and built some fences.

Then, he slowed down to a gentle glide and waited.

Eventually, he saw his opening. A red shape quickly darting into Etho’s ice shop-

“Stay in there, Grian,” Xisuma said as he chopped down the door and barricaded it. “You still need to pay me. In blood.”

“What! No!” Grian gasped. He staggered backwards in mock agony. “What did I ever do to receive such offence?”

Xisuma gave him an unimpressed stare, and Grian seemed to deflate the longer it stabbed into him.

“It was funny!” he protested.

“ _Sure_ ,” Xisuma said. “This is too.” 

There was something extremely satisfying about seeing Grian get a taste of his own medicine for once. He was now sulking, hunched down like a kicked puppy with a pouting expression.

“Luckily for you, I’m nice,” Xisuma said after a while of watching Grian pace around and occasionally draw back a tight fist to the windows, only to pull away last minute. He would have actually been impressed if Grian had decided to punch through the glass. “Give me half the profits of that box and I’ll call it even.”

“Oddly enough, the price was 11 diamonds,” Grian said, with the audacity to grin afterwards. “Since I literally just took a random shulker without any valuables and sold it.” 

“So this was entirely for the joke around my name,” Xisuma said. 

“Well - yes,” Grian said. “So what? I stand by that it was funny.”

Xisuma drew out his sword.

“W-Wait!” he yelped. “You - you can have 10 of the diamonds! Here!” 

Ten diamonds were thrown, one by one, through the gaps of the fence. Xisuma studied each of their glinting sides and smooth surfaces, all sanded perfection as they rolled across the cobbly path in front of him.

“Really have your attention now, huh?” Grian chuckled. 

Xisuma was too busy picking them up to care this time.

On one hand, perhaps a little taste of revenge would be nice. But Xisuma was never particularly the vengeful or bloodthirsty type. Besides, he did have projects to get back too. 

“Fine, fine,” he chuckled. With a quick few chops, Grian was stumbling warily out of the ice shop. Xisuma quickly fitted the door back into place.

“Just try to rein things in next time, won’t you?” Xisuma asked. “Not all funny ideas are good ones, Grian.”

“Aye aye, captain!” Grian saluted. Xisuma blinked-

-and spluttered as a shower of water was splashed directly into him, the sound of firing rockets and laughter fading into the distance.

**Author's Note:**

> Did I write this as an excuse to cram as many puns into a fic as I possibly could? Yes, yes I did. The blame is entirely on my math teacher, whom I actually stole a few (math related) puns from, and whom infected me with the ideal that puns are extremely funny. Let me know how much you absolutely ~~hated~~ loved my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad puns in the comments!


End file.
